It's not you, it's me...

So yes I've been somewhat quiet and lackluster lately, I've even been boring myself. But guys, I think that's changing, I can feel it. I've also had to deal with work and getting everything with the move ready along with finally having snap into place that when I do something (as in go somewhere) it could possibly be the last time I'll do so, at least for a while.

This doesn't really make me sad (well a little, it's more sobering to me) it just makes me open my eyes wider and try and soak in my surroundings in full. I try to see how vibrant all the hues are, try to name and soak in all the smells, I'm trying to be ever present and fully frame my memories that I'll soon be 3,000 miles from.

Oh and Twilight, how I love you so. What? I didn't say anything.

Um. Yeah.

I'm looking forward to opportunities and where my life will lead me and while not everything is sorted out, life is good, really really good.

Autumn

I know we're still in Summer for a few more days (even though by the time September 1st rolls around everyone starts referring to the season as fall) but this past weekend felt like fall, all overcast, gray and rainy. And I'm listening to artists that remind me of fall, Feist, A Fine Frenzy, Florence + the Machine. (All the F's are merely a coincidence. I honestly didn't plan it that way.) Speaking of Feist I really want to listen to Sealion Woman and 1234 but the album is at home so I'm distracting myself with NPR (I don't know how well it's working...)

And I have something to admit to again (even though I've admitted to it here and here before). Twilight has grabbed me again (yes, I know how sad this is)I've been trying to hold off until I have to drive cross country but the fall like weather has turned my mind it's way again and made me like a giddy little girl again (which it does every time). It also helps with the loneliness that I've been feeling as of late. I don't care for any of the outside accouterments that go with it (but yes, I also own the movies which are just okay, the books are way better) it's purely the story I'm interested in.

Even Jilian has read the whole series to see if she could figure out my fascination with this series. (Sadly she was unable to figure it out. I'm pretty sure this problem is bigger than us all.) Mel is the one who originally even made me aware of the series but she wasn't even able to get through the first one, so I lost interest. And then my friend Heather is the one who lent me her books and got me started... Oh, if only I had known then.

I'm only going to (try to) read it once and then save it to listen to as I traverse this great nation in November. I think it sounds like a plan.

Jim's Dirty Little Secret

Today’s ride was great (I think I say that about all ride… and its true. 96% of the rides thus far have been great). Prior to the ride, I planned on doing the 50 miler at the South Jersey Devils Ride but decided to opt out of it when Jim told me that he was going back to where we did the Amish ride. I was sold! But he sweetened the deal with info on the Baltimore ride in October. Might just have to do that one.
So anyway, met up with Jim at 9 am in Delaware and as I was putting my stuff in his truck and getting ready to carpool to Dover, he said “you know we are riding around here today?” Nope I didn’t realize that and I didn’t care. A ride is a ride and I love it. So off we went.

Went through some pretty areas of Delaware and I would like to tell you about them but to be honest, I couldn’t tell you where we went. Ask Jim. He knows! I will tell you though…. The first 8 miles of the ride almost took all my energy out of me. The head winds were a challenge and I was working hard to stay about 13 MPH average and that’s with drafting off Jim! We took some rests and had a great time for up to the 15 mile point. We stopped and chatted on a park bench and then noticed some bikers at the rest stop. More then what you would see in a group ride. Perhaps it was an organized ride? But off we went.

We get to a point where Jim stops me and says “When you see this don’t freak out. It will be ok”. I had no clue what he was talking about and when we started riding, it got a little smelly and I thought that was what he meant until I saw it. Yes IT did scare the shit out of me. See, I hate hills. Why? Cause I am 330 pounds and have issues with hills. We don’t play nice in the sand box. I think you could say I am scared of them. So when I saw the bridge…. The climb up to the bridge I realized why it was stinky back there because if other people saw it (you couldn’t miss it) they too must of taken a shit right after they saw the bridge (hence the reason it was stinky).

We rode closer to the bridge (called Reedy Bridge I think) but still on flat roads and Jim stopped. I was surprised because I wanted to get this thing over. But he said to me…. “Listen… the prize to get to the top is the pictures we can take.” I didn’t care about the pictures at that moment… I was hoping just to make it up the bridge still alive. Then we started riding and I started yelling “LETS DO THIS JIM!!!!” and off we went.

A nano second into the start, Jim blew past me. He doesn’t think so but he did… and no I wasn’t watching Jims butt…. He does have a nice bike though! Jim flies past me and I started to attempt to catch up but stopped because I knew it was a mistake. I needed a few things to get up this bridge: 1) rhythm 2)to pace myself 3)work on breathing 4)keep head down and just do it and 5)some help from God and 6)if all else fails… a hard drink and a cab home. Yes I know if I couldn’t do it, I could have walked it but that’s not what I wanted plus these shoes I have suck when it comes to walking.
Huff and puff….. lots of head wind but I made it. Jim broke out the lawn chair, took a 20 minute nap all before I got up there but we did it. WE did it. I was surprised I did it… still surprised. Felt great. As we were going up, the peloton from the organized ride blasted past us down hill. They had it easy with the wind against their backs. But it was good to see so many riders.

Downhill was great. Almost got to 30 miles an hour. He he he he … love that feeling too!

All in all, great ride. Challenging for sure but it was another milestone for me.

Afterwards, Jim and I went to Crabby Dicks Seafood Restaurant and it was delicious. And Sal…. One of the waitresses asked about you. Wish you could have been there. She sent Jim and I home with 2 big bags of popcorn! Maybe she has the hots for you Sal *wink wink*.

Of course I couldn’t come home without produce. Stopped by a farmer, handed him 10 dollars and he gave me plums, peaches, corn, tomatoes, and zucchini. Deliciousness for the rest of the week!

Thanks Jim! Great ride. I know being a ride leader is tough and perhaps for next year, we all can step up and host a ride. I have had a chance to ride with several different clubs and a lot of ride leaders within those clubs and by far I find that riding with you is a pleasure. A pleasure from the standpoint that you challenge me to make me a better faster and stronger rider but also shows me cool places and teaches me about the history of those places. Only one other ride leader has done that since I have been to the east coast. So I sincerely thank you!

And P.S. I think its best I don’t know about the hills before I start. I am gullible so just tell me no hills and I will come riding to me…. Lie or truth… it doesn’t matter! So much fun today! I think it was Jim’s dirty little secret not to tell me and thank goodness he did. I would have missed so much!

I gotsa job, I needs a job.

So I officially started applying for jobs today. I'm really hoping I'll be able to find something by the time I get out there. (I'm so keeping my fingers crossed about this) I'm expecting a pay cut (and also potentially part time) which is okay, I expect it. If I find a company out there that's willing to pay me what I make now I'll be shocked. Not because I'm not worth it (I mean come on have you looked at me? That's a joke people.) but because what I currently do is a rather specific niche and there aren't a lot of jobs like mine.

I don't need to make what I currently do now to break even, I honestly need to make less but having a good amount for savings  wouldn't hurt. Like I said I'm not holding my breath.

Between the drama at work (that as far as I can tell is finally over) and my anxiety over moving and all that entails, I think I've lost my funny. I'm pretty sure this is temporary, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed just to be safe. It's also tough coming home to myself every night, and I'm not much good at it. It helps to see friends on the weekends and even just getting out and doing stuff myself on the weekends. But I miss having someone to come home to (dinner prepared isn't all that bad either) being able to compare your days and just play around.

I'm honestly doing okay, promise.

Okay enough of that. I'm hopeful and I'm feeling a lot of promise on the job front. Keep your fingers crossed for me. :)

In Remembrance

You could say that I should have posted this yesterday, and in essence you would be right. 9/11 is our generation's Kennedy Assassination. We all remember where we were and what we were doing at the time it happened.

But I'm posting this today because while I remember and I will never forget how tragic that day was 9/13 affects me more. So by posting today I'm spanning the two.

When 9/11 happened I was still in college. It was the summer between my junior and senior years and I was out visiting my parents in Kansas. My step mom and I had taken my little brother and sister to school that morning and then went back home and turned on the Today show while we planned that day's adventure. And then we saw it, as you all did you yourselves at one point or another. And we sat in shock just watching, not even being able to fully comprehend the horror and tragedy so many people and families were going through. It affected us but luckily it didn't happen to us. To my family it only serves as a reminder to not take things for granted.

And then that day they grounded all flights and I remember them showing on tv as the airspace over America cleared of all the green dots that signified planes in the sky. And this made me kind of freak out inside because I was scheduled to fly back to Oregon on September 13th to make it back in time to go to college. It made me freak out because they had used planes and also I hadn't left a ton of time between getting back to Oregon and starting my last year of college.

I have been flying since I was wee high and it had never scared me until this point. I had never worried about the plane I was on crashing or any other issue. But this brought people's free will into it, and to know that people had successfully done this changed that.

Amazingly the airports reopened on the day I was scheduled to fly home. There was a huge backlog of people stranded and plenty of flights were canceled. There was no guarantee that I was going anywhere that day. I was nervous as my step mom and I got ready to go to the airport that morning and we left ridiculously early (which was barely enough time). The lines were amazing but luckily my flights were not canceled (I had two and I'm pretty sure it was miraculous that neither one was canceled and that I also hadn't been bumped off) and I made it through the 2-3 hour wait in line to get to my plane. The air was electric and there was a camaraderie in every airport as though we were all one tribe. Everyone talked to everyone, everyone got along and helped others out. I've never felt or seen anything like it since. Every time there was even the smallest amount turbulence we held our collective breath. Remembering 9/11 so fresh in our minds and wondering if what were feeling was normal or if were becoming a part of it.

This is my remembrance of that day. It's what comes to mind when I think 9/11 and it makes me think of the best in people.

This is getting weird y'all

So I started calling yesterday to get moving quotes and I think we're going to be doing this all ourselves. Well, mostly. See the most expensive part is the driving all the way across the country so I think we'll hire movers simply to pack and unpack our stuff. Isaac and our friend Amanda will fly out and we'll drive our stuff across the country. I'll drive my car with the cats. I'm pretty sure I'm getting the raw end of the deal there.

Isaac thinks it'll be a wash and I don't so maybe we'll place a wager. I just know that by renting the truck ourselves and hiring movers on both ends it will be half or less to hire a moving company and having them do it all or even doing it through PODS.

But the part that's really freaking me out? This is all becoming real. I get nervous with change (as do we all) and having to do this on my own makes it a little more scary. But I can handle this, I've got it down. (Or at least I keep telling myself this as I start to have an anxiety attack (just kidding, well sort of)) I think this is made somewhat worse that I can't go home to Isaac and have him help me rationalize my fears. Calling him or anyone else just isn't the same. For some reason having a physical body there in person makes it so much better.

What's going to be the worst is leaving two of my besties out here on the west coast. I love these girls fiercely and I'm going to be so sad to not see them on a regular basis and to not see Keller and Finley grow up. We'll just have to get better at consistent communication (the blog helps). And? The time is going crazy fast. As in I have about two and a half months left to get everything organized and set to go.

I'm going to go work on breathing normally now.

I don't want any crazy, but thank you.

Too. Much. Drama. Do you remember that coworker I wrote about on my other blog that wrote some really nasty stuff about me on the bathroom wall? We they no longer work with me anymore (thank god) but the drama getting there was intense.

So I decided to go to the Oregon coast this weekend to do something fun because I really needed to leave the stress behind. (I never realize it's a holiday weekend when I do this until I am either on my way there or there already.) So I called Jilian to see if she wanted to go and she was game. I told Isaac what I was doing and he suggested I take one of his parents dogs with me named Molly. Isaac's mom was down with that and she even helped me put Molly's car seat in the car (yes, small dogs have car seats) and gave me enough food and water for the day for her. We then picked up Jilian and we were on our way.

This is Haystack rock. I'm pretty sure you can't talk about the Oregon Coast without showing a picture of it.

This is Jilian, I love her.

And last but not least, this is Molly. She's a chiweenie (chihuahua and dachshund) and she's happy all the time.

It was so much fun. The weather was in the low 80's, I got a tan (okay so it was a farmers tan, but so what) and it was gorgeously sunny. Yes, it was labor day weekend and there were plenty of people at the beach but it still didn't feel over crowded at all. Jilian and I were able to see each other and it's been far too long and Molly ran her little tail off making friends with all the people we met.

And then this morning I came into work and the bushes outside my offices were smoldering from having caught fire we think due to a stray cigarette so I had to put out the smoldering embers. The vinyl siding is worse for wear and we lost two bushes but besides that we're just combating a lot of smoke smell left over. I think it's giving me a headache. But maybe now crazy will go home?